The Lost Art of Correspondence

KIM JONG IL AND SPANKING MONKEY SOUND STUDIO

Notes: The North Koreans wanted solidarity messages to celebrate the day the DPRK descended into hell. I obliged. They wanted more. I obliged.

To: Esteemed Leader Kim Jong Il
Democratic People's Republic of Korea
E-mail: korea@korea-dpr.com
29 August 2003

To Esteemed Leader Kim Jong Il and the courageous Citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea

On the occasion of the 55th Anniversary of the foundation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea I send my warmest and most fervent greetings. The people of the Undemocratic Dictatorship of the United $tates draw inspiration from your solidarity and commitment to freedom and democracy. We have much to learn from your inspiring struggle. I know that victory will be yours and we will all live in a world based on the Juche Idea one day. You are our last hope at being free.

Militant Juche Greetings

Patsy A. Newton
San Francisco
United $tates

From: Alejandro Cao de Benos
Special Delegate - DPRK Government
E-mail: korea@korea-dpr.com
16 September 2003

Dear friend

We received a letter from you directed to our Leader Kim Jong Il.

Please can you tell us what is your job and position?? My comrades translators in Pyongyang need to include it.

Thank you and best regards

Alejandro Cao de Benos

To: Alejandro Cao de Benos
Special Delegate - DPRK Government
E-mail: korea@korea-dpr.com
17 September 2003

Comrade

I can't begin to describe the honour I feel knowing that Leader Kim Jong Il may receive my humble missive.

In answer to your question:

I am a Foley Artist and I work for the Spanking Monkey Sound Studio in Los Angeles.

In solidarity

Patsy A. Newton

Note: There was no immediate response. Had my missive made it to the Esteemed Leader? Were they on to me? Was Spanking Monkey causing dissent in the translation booth? When in doubt, dispatch a letter.

To: Alejandro Cao de Benos
Special Delegate - DPRK Government
E-mail: korea@korea-dpr.com
02 October 2003

Dear Comrade

Did you read out my letter of solidarity to Leader Kim Jong Il? I need to know. It would have been such an honour.

In solidarity

Patsy A. Newton

From: Alejandro Cao de Benos
Special Delegate - DPRK Government
E-mail: korea@korea-dpr.com
02 October 2003

Dear Comrade,

Yes, we readed your letter and our Leader Kim Jong Il too. This was the reason of asking for your details.

Thank you very much for your support.

Alejandro Cao de Benos
Special Delegate -DPRK Government

So, how do you translate spanking monkey to the Esteemed Leader...?

MCDONALD'S, BIBLES AND CHINA

Notes: In August, the Norwegian affiliate of Adbusters (translated, appropriately, in Norwegian as Sadbusters), tricked media outlets with a false press release claiming that they were a company planning to publish Bibles stamped with the corporate logo of McDonald's. A jolly cunning ploy to highlight the insidious reach of corporate Amerika into our very souls, what? Indeed.

To: Joachim Henriksen
Adbusters Norway
E-mail: media@adbusters.no; henvendelser@adbusters.no
26 August 2003

Dear Mr Henriksen

I along with many others have seen your clever and much needed attack on corporate sponsorship by spreading the "news" that McDonald's planned to publish Bibles incorporating their logo. I know that this was part of a campaign to fool the media and I congratulate you on it.

However, you may not be aware that this very same thing is in fact occuring in China. I teach English in Qingdao (in Shandong Province) and regularly attend a church where McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken both advertise by posting logos and other advertising material on church literature. Our hymn books, for example, contain the KFC (in Chinese, three characters pronounced kendeji) logo and addresses of the seven stores in the city on the inside cover. Praying cushions recently donated by McDonald's all have a small McDonald's logo (the golden M) on the bottom right hand corner.

Shandong has the largest population of Christians in China and my church, one of the biggest in the city, has a very large congregation of relatively wealthy people. It conducts three back to back services every Sunday morning; each is totally full. In China, the main consumers of KFC and McDonald's are these wealthy people, so the church has become a focus of advertising.

I find it disturbing that your media stunt is actually being played out for real in China where anything goes in the world of advertising and money.

Kind regards

Patsy A. Newton

From: Joachim Henriksen
Adbusters Norway
E-mail: saftogvann@sensewave.com
12 September 2003

Hi Patsy!

Thanks for your kind response to our bible hoax in the media. It is a disturbing fact that the initial marketing from our fake company provoked very few people and ended with orders of over 1,100 bibles from schools and churches.

I am shocked to hear about the marketing in your church. I would really appreciate if it is possible to see any pictures or any other documentation of this marketing. It would be very useful for our campaign in Norway...

Best wishes

Joachim Henriksen
Adbusters Norway

Sometimes even the best hoaxes don't quite work. Now, anyone with Photoshop skills care to redesign this and send it to the kind folk at Sadbusters?

THE VOICE OF MAOIST CONSPIRATORIAL DOOM - II

Notes: Yesterday, the Maoist Internationalist Movement (MIM) responded to my improbable claim of having unearthed heretofore unseen correspondence between Mao Zedong and some geezer in the 1950s by telling me that others who had tried 'had failed' (see yesterday's postings). I wondered what on earth they meant.

To: MIM
E-mail: mim3@mim.org
28 August 2003

Comrades

Thank you for your response; however, I'm unclear how I should interpret your warning. Are you suggesting I'm being duped (this is possible but I think unlikely), or am I in danger by bringing such documents out of the country?

Please answer as quickly as possible as I leave Hong Kong shortly and don't want to read our correspondence in the Mainland.

In solidarity

Patsy A. Newton

From: MIM
E-mail: mim3@mim.org
29 August 2003

My gut instinct: do not mail them from there. They check.

Hang on to them for some day in the future when you can get out with copies and don't let them out of your hands until you have delivered them to someone, not even in the united $tates when you get there.

And they say the Cold War is over...

INSURER SAYS YES TO FOX TAILS, NO TO PUDENDA SCRUB

Notes: The news that Basil "Boom-Boom" Brush has insured his tail for £1 million with Stoke Insurance got me thinking.

To: Stoke Insurance
E-mail: info@stokeinsurance.co.uk
28 August 2003

Dear Sir/Madam

I'm not quite sure how I should put this, but here goes.

In my line of work it is not unusual for a specific part of the anatomy to come under extreme duress. I was wondering, then, if it were possible to insure my, well, my bush, which is what I'm famous for? I am quite hairy down there and clients who appreciate this particular characteristic would stop coming if for some reason it was diminished.

Can you help me?

Cheers

Patsy A. Newton

From: Goodfellows
E-mail: mail@goodinsurance.co.uk
28 August 2003

Dear Ms Newton

Thank you for your email.

Unfortunately our underwriters have exceeded there underwriting limits at present and we are unable to help you at this present time.

All the best

Ophelia

Am I being overly sensitive, or is this a classic case of brush, err..., bush discrimination?

MAIDS ON EVEREST

Notes: I'd never received spam touting the virtues of employees from Asia and the Middle East, but this week two missives doing just that found their way into my mailbox. This one was from a company called EVEREST EDUCATIONAL, TRAINING & PLACEMENT SERVICES, which specialises in nurses, housemaids, hotel workers, drivers, security guards, commandos (including rangers, qualified gunmen - as opposed to what, unqualified gunmen? - and body guards), construction labourers, IT professionals, doctors, teachers, and pharmacists from Nepal; i.e., the entire population. They target "the USA, Canada, Australia, UK, Europe, New Zealand, Afghanistan, Iraq, Israel, Macao, Hong Kong, Taiwan and South Korea." I thought, why not?

To: Captain Gian Singh Negi
Managing Director Director Sikkim Chapter
EVEREST EDUCATIONAL, TRAINING & PLACEMENT SERVICES
Kathmandu, Thamel
G.P.O. Box 8974 CPC 436
Nepal
E-mail: negi_2003@hotmail.com; negi2000np@yahoo.com
26 August 2003

Dear Captain Negi

I am a young female mountain climber residing in Scotland. Every year I travel to Nepal to climb various peaks. Upon receiving your e-mail it occured to me that it would be useful to have a housemaid who doubled as a mountaineering guide. Please let me know if you have any suitable applicants who can manage house keeping duties as well as lead expeditions on mountains like Everest and K2. She would need to be a good cook and a jolly good climber.

Kind regards

Patsy A. Newton

From: Captain Gian Singh Negi
Managing Director Director Sikkim Chapter
EVEREST EDUCATIONAL, TRAINING & PLACEMENT SERVICES
Kathmandu, Thamel
G.P.O. Box 8974 CPC 436
Nepal
E-mail: negi_2003@hotmail.com
28 August 2003

Ms Patsy Newton

I am sorry for the blank doc. It may be due to error on transmission/Server.

I was trying to know as to how long this girl has to work with U? We do have Qualified and experienced guides (Sherpa/Bhutia/Lepcha). Will U be able to take her to Scotland with U? What wiill be the emoluments, perks and previledges.

When R U planning to come to Nepal/India ? In fact we arrange for Expeditions And its Doc formalities etc.

Secondly, we need some volunteers for schools, Colleges & Hospitals etc if U can suggest some references.

With Regards

Sincerely

Captain Negi

Well, it looks like my search is over. Where else would you find a maid who can tramp up Everest after making your bed?

THE VOICE OF MAOIST CONSPIRATORIAL DOOM - I

Notes: The Maoist Internationalist Movement (MIM) - like all groups mired in marxist-inspired bunkum - thrives on conspiratorial fantasy. The constant risk of losing one's liberty is like breathing smog to these leftovers from the Summer of Love.

To: MIM
E-mail: mim3@mim.org
26 August 2003

Comrades

I have been teaching English in China for nearly five years, an employment option that enables me to pursue my specific interests in Maoism and Chinese language. During the course of my stay on the Mainland I have come into contact with many young Chinese Maoists. Most interestingly, I recently met a young man who after several meetings showed me a significant body of correspondence between senior members of the Chinese Communist Party during the 1950s and his father (who was an intellectual but nonetheless respected). All correspondence is in Chinese (of course) and I have read through every letter. If genuine, they provide a stark rebuttal to much current negative criticism of Mao and the CCP. I have been offered the opportunity to make copies of all letters and distibute them to an organisation that understands Maoism and is prepared to publish them in translation. I can translate them if you don't have the ability to do so yourself.

Would you like to view such letters? I am currently in Hong Kong until the school year starts next week. I will then return to China and make copies if you wish. I will need to post them from Hong Kong at a later date.

Please contact me if you are at all interested in seeing the letters to verify if they are genuine.

In solidarity

Patsy A. Newton

From: MIM
E-mail: mim3@mim.org
28 August 2003

COmrade

Of course we are interested, but a warning. People who have tried before have failed.

MIM

What the hell does that mean? That their bodies have only been found when the spring sun melts the ice on Tiananmen Square? These Maoist weenies have been reading too much of this and not enough of this.

WHAT A LUVVERLY BUNCH OF COCONUTS

Notes: Kolapo Omidire, a Nigerian businessman with offers too good to refuse, had previously been tempted by a Patsy A. Newton proposal; i.e., to join her in scamming the scam merchants. I never responded after he wrote back and was therefore quite surprised to see him pop up again a few days ago asking me to "get in touch." I was glad to oblige.

To: Mr Kolapo Omidire
The Commercial Bank of Africa
E-mail: kola_005@hotmail.com
26 August

Dear Kolapo

I don't know what your name means in Nigerian, but it sounds perilously close to the word for coconut in Indonesian (i.e., kelapa). I think they'd call you Kelapa Kepala (Coconut Head) in Indonesia, so I think I'll do likewise.

Kind regards

Patsy A. Newton

From: Kolapo Omidire
The Commercial Bank of Africa
E-mail: kola_005@hotmail.com
27 August 2003

HELLO PUSSY

SO YOU ARE INDONESIAN? WELL THAT MAKES YOU A FOOL CAUSE I HAVE TAKEN MONEY FROM QUITE A NUMBER OF YOUR FOLKS.

Meow. Who knew Indonesians were being stung by these guys?

GUN-TOTING EGYPTIAN MUMMIES

Notes: Nigerian e-mail scam merchants are not the only spammers infiltrating my inbox. The good folk at The Gulf Company for Recruitment also contacted me recently with promises to locate "qualified and experienced Egyptian Employees and workers in all fields." It seemed a promising missive so I replied.

To: Sahar al Hosseiny
The Gulf Company for Recruitment
E-mail: mgahedgroup@hotmail.com; megahadgroup@hotmail.com
26 August 2003

Dear Sahar al Hosseiny

I am a very busy and wealthy American businesswoman residing in Paris. I am in desperate need of an Egyptian nanny (mummy) who can clean my house, restrain my children, and defend my property with extreme prejudice. I expect to pay premium wages for such a person.

Kind regards

Patsy A. Newton

From: Sahar al Hosseiny
The Gulf Company for Recruitment
E-mail: mgahedgroup@hotmail.com
27 August 2003

Dear Patsy A. Newton

We need your contact details. And how much exactly will you pay and for how many hours and for how long. We need also to know in which country you are. Any further details will be usful.

Thanks

Sahar

I'm asking for a gun-toting Egyptian mummy and he wants to know in which country Paris is located? These guys either have extremely tough nannies or are a pharaoh short in the top tomb.

THE MYONGSTER'S MENTAL FOOD

Notes: I wrote to Kim Myong Chol (the "unofficial spokesman" for the North Korean Government) earlier this month. The crack-crazed Myongstor responded almost immediately, but I held off reciprocating in a like manner so as to deepen the aura of mystery I felt sure would appeal to a drug addled commie from North Korea.

Update Note: Jared Keller over at Exultate Justi has also written to Kim with the entirely expected priceless results. His weekly MYONGWATCH! feature is high on my list of required readings.

To: Kim Myong Chol
"Unofficial spokesman" for the North Korean Government
E-mail: mc_kim@xa2.so-net.ne.jp
26 August 2003

Dear Comrade Kim

My apologies for not replying sooner. I have been held by the police for my involvement in a peaceful demonstration against U$ foreign policy with regards North Korea. Small groups are forming all over the U$ to promote North Korean policy and to counter U$ government propaganda. Your writings are invaluable to us.

I too believe that Kim Jong Il will be the winner over the evil Bush.

In solidarity

Patsy A. Newton

From: Kim Myong Chol
"Unofficial spokesman" for the North Korean Government
E-mail: mc_kim@xa2.so-net.ne.jp
27 August 2003

Dear Patsy A. Newton

Too bad to learn that you have been detained by police for a peaceful demonstration. No better mental food for me to be flattered that my piece is of some help. By the way, you have failed to tell me where in the U.S. you live.

Best regards

KMC

It's like feeding nuts to squirrels. Now, where do I house that Norcom support cell ...?

AUSTRALIA'S MIKE "LARD BOY" MOORE PROVES ONE LINER NOT DEAD

To: Phillip Adams
Australian columnist
E-mail: philadams@ozemail.com.au
16 August 2003

Dear Mr Adams

All my friends think you're nothing but a chardonnay socialist, but I disagree. I think you're more of a 'cask red' socialist.

So there.

Patsy A. Newton

From: Phillip Adams
Australian columnist
E-mail: philadams@ozemail.com.au
18 August 2003

Dear Patsy. Thanks. But get new friends. Phillip

Thanks Phil. Am deleting address book as I write.

mARGO kINGSTON'S sHIFT cAPS lOCK kEY fAILS iN cRUCIAL mISSIVE tEST

To: Margo Kingston
Web Diary Web Mistress
Sydney Morning Herald
E-mail: mkingston@access.fairfax.com.au
16 August 2003

Dear Margo

Hi. I'm writing to say thank you for activating my political consciousness. As a high school student in Charters Towers, I am living in redneck territory and all around me I only hear reactionary garbage. If it wasn't for your voice I would have nothing to tell me the truth. You are my role model. A shining beacon for young girls in the bush. I thank God every day that I can read your Web Diary and access a woman I can admire.

In gratitude

Patsy A. Newton

From: Margot Kingston
Web Diary Web Mistress
Sydney Morning Herald
E-mail: mkingston@access.fairfax.com.au
17 August 2003

wHY THANK YOU.

rEGARDS,

mARGO

That should motivate me for another year or two at the very least.

EVEN NIGERIAN SCAM MERCHANTS FALL IN LOVE: II

Notes: Dr John Smith, a Nigerian e-mail scam artist, has lost his heart to Patsy A. Newton. In Part I (directly below), Dr Smith professed his love. I responded and his heart strings twanged. If he wants my money he'll need to learn that business and pleasure don't mix.

To: Dr John Smith
Citi Express Bank of Nigeria, PLC Lagos
E-mail: john333@hknetmail.com
16 August 2003

Dear John

Your letter of love [see letter dated 15 August 2003 below] has affected me profoundly. I too can do nothing but think of you. I'm so excited that I can hardly think straight. I'm taking a long flight in about two hours (I'm sending this from Sydney airport) and will not be able to ring until I reach my destination.

You sound wonderful, John. Just the right height and age, too. I have always been too shy to talk to an African man, even though I have for many years dreamed of developing a partnership with one. And now my dream may be coming true.

I occupy a senior executive position in a company producing electronics products for the global market. I am based in Hong Kong but travel a great deal. I love sport, and stay very fit with regular visits to the gym. I have shoulder-length blonde hair and blue eyes. My skin is quite pale, and my figure is feminine but firm. I feel so close to you that I don't even mind telling you that my measurements are 34-24-33.

You seem like you are tall and strong. I can't wait to find out more about you and I want to take this email exchange to whole new level, if you understand me... Tell me everything about yourself, especially your physical side...

Love

Patsy

From: Dr John Smith
Citi Express Bank of Nigeria, PLC Lagos
E-mail: john333@hknetmail.com
17 August 2003

Dear Patsy

The only thing i can tell you right now is that i am a very strong black man. Intellectually aware and alert. I read a lot. And a lovely kind of a man. I don't want to go too deep until i hear your voice. The moment i hear your voice, then you leave the rest to me.

My fear is that right now, i really want to believe that you are who you say that you are. There and then will you appreciate the more what you have gone into. I have been waiting since yesterday for your call. Alternatively, let me get your telephone number so that i can ring you.

Lastly, putting into consideration the fact that there is no romance without finance, i will be most appreciative if you can inform me about your capability and readiness for this transaction.

All my love

Dr John Smith

Spoken like a true Nigerian e-mail scammer in lust. He wants to clean out my bank account, get into my pants, and is a lovely kind of a man to boot. No romance without finance? What a catch!